Saturday, August 20, 2011

Dreams

Thanks to a lovely combination of exhaustion and illness this week, my dreams have been strange and sometimes nightmarish.  Nothing like being sick and tired and waking up gasping from some horrid nightmare where you are being electrocuted by an unseen assailant. 

I always have crazy dreams, though I have gotten used to them being more fun-crazy than terrible-crazy, because I don't have nightmares all that often, anymore.

The dream that disturbed me the most this week and had me up wandering the house in the middle of the night wasn't even a nightmare.  Not really.

I was on a school bus with my oldest daughter and the bus stopped.  Suddenly, she is out the window (don't know why...you know how dreams are) and the bus starts to take off.  I look back and there is my daughter, only she is somehow a little girl of 8 again.

In the dream she is crying and chasing the bus and I am paralyzed- I can't yell or stop the bus.  I am looking at her sad and scared little girl face and then *poof* I woke up.

In the history of bad dreams, this doesn't seem all that awful.  However, I found it so disturbing- the sadness and fear on her little girl face, even the old familiar outfit she had on was upsetting.

 I got up and checked on all the kids and then because I felt so anxious and inexplicably sad, I didn't go back to bed for a long time.  I feel like crying every time I think of it and I have been smothering all the kids, but her especially, this week with extra hugs.  Even when she was cranky and didn't want to be hugged.

Maybe I had the dream because it has been on my mind lately how quickly my kids are growing up and how bittersweet that is.  They are great kids and I am very proud of them and they way they have 'turned out', but I often miss the days when they were babies, toddlers and preschoolers.  

There are many days, when I see people struggling with their little ones, that I think, 'Thank God mine are older now and I don't have to do all that.'  But, to be completely honest- I miss it.  All of it.  

I also feel a lot of guilt because when my two oldest were little, I worked, ALL THE TIME.  I missed so much.  I used to see them for an hour or two, long enough to feed and bathe them before bed and then the next day threw clothes on them before rushing them back to daycare.  When I had time off, I was so tired that I couldn't give them all the attention they deserved. 

I have always regretted that and if I had it to do over again, I definitely wouldn't bother with working at that time- it isn't like I loved my job ( I loathed it) or that I got ahead financially ( I sooooooo didn't).  

So, maybe that is why my dream was haunted by my daughter as a sad little girl, because I mourn the time I wasted and the fact that soon, my first born, my first love, will be all grown up.  I don't know if my heart can take it.  I think empty nest syndrome would kill me.

All of this churning up of regret and emotion has helped clarify some things for me, too. Even though I have far more time with the kids now, I still spend too much time on this stupid computer- reading emails, playing games, stalking Facebook, reading the hundreds of blogs that I follow and entering contests.  Yes, even my little bit of sporadic blogging is time that could be better spent.

I think it was really clarified for me when I didn't have internet for those several days, how much time I waste online.  Yes, I enjoy it, but I can't rewind the clock on my family's childhood.  They will only be calling, 'watch me' and 'look at this' for just so long.  They will only want to play catch or house or library for just so many years.

When I look back I don't want to remember  life passing, behind my back as I clacked away at a computer.

This is my long-winded way of saying, I am going to be reducing my online presence.  I am going to force myself to an hour a day.  Obviously, this is going to affect how much I can read and write.  I will attempt to post something on here once a week and I will try to make the rounds to my favorite blogs on that day also.

I can't say that I am going to regret cutting my time online down, because I know that what I am gaining is far more valuable.  I shall miss my daily dose of some of my favorite bloggers and entering all those contests, but reading a blog or winning a new DVD doesn't compare to reading stories to my kids.






15 comments:

  1. I love analyzing dreams. Aren't they so interesting? It's hard watching little ones grow up. But I know your kids will always want to stay close to you; you're such an amazing mom.

    Thanks for your comment on my blog today. I really needed that. :0)

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  2. We will miss your frequent postings, but we understand. Some brilliant person once said that as people get older, no one has ever said that they wished they had spent more time at work instead of with their kids!

    Speaking of dreams, I had one where I met Carol & her hubby. Check my comment on FACING 50 WITH HUMOUR--IF you have time!

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  3. April, I completely comprehend from whence you are coming with this and while I will really, really miss you, I know you have made the best decision. Time does pass all too quickly and we really do not get the chance to do it over. As regards Emptynest Syndrome. I had it badly! I cried for about three months, excluding the build up to it. It was a hard reality to digest, but in the end, I accepted it and now I fill my days with raising puppies, it seems :)

    Big hug,
    Des xoxo

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  4. Thanks my lovely readers for your kindness and understanding. I will still do my best to get to your blogs as often as possible to read your lovely posts and fishducky's crazy funny comments.

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  5. You are 100 percent correct here and it sounds like we had the same life with our first two. lol
    Why don't you just post once a week like many people do. That would minimize your comp time.

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  6. I have had so many dreams about me dying or my mom, or my sister... and I've had several dreams about the end of the world...it's weird.

    I love your stories and your blog. I will sure miss your posts, but family is more important. Your kids are adorable and you are a good mom
    :)

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  7. Kiddo, I understand. Do what ever you have to do. Right now you have two full time jobs, mother and teacher (plus all the stuff that goes along with both).

    If I have to wait for you to start writing again clear until summer, I will!

    As for my blog. If you do ever have time to check in, don't comment just end me a smile :D.........kt

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  8. 9/18 - I am posting this on everyone’s blog:
    My father has been in and out of the hospital 3 times in the past couple of weeks.
    I have not been able to visit each of you as I would have liked.
    Today, it looks as if I am going to have to take him in again so don’t expect to see any comments from me for a while longer. I WILL be back as soon as this passes, one way or another. I have several posts that should go up automatically for the next several weeks that I have held in reserve just for this occasion. kt

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  9. I popped over from Desiree's blog, as I was intrigued by your name! However, after reading this one post, I just want to say, "You go girl! Take time with those kids while you have them!" I am empty nesting, and miss my girls something awful, especially the one who is in France this year! What I would give for another, "Watch me, Mommy!"
    You're a good mom!

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  10. Thank you for your comments, and I can totally relate to the spending too much time in other places then with the kids and in my case house work. I did stories every night and I still do with them, just not EVERY night.

    As far as dreams go, I actually love when I can get a nights sleep without the dreams / nightmares! For a while I HATED to fall asleep because fears of what was happening around us and on tv and (for me worries of bible prophecies) were getting the best of me. I became an insomniac.

    I do remember the most horrible nightmare I have ever had. It was when my first born was a toddler. I dreamed that my sister and her girls and myself (with my son) and other various family members were outside for some event.. maybe a wedding and one of the girls ran into the road. No body seemed to be watching her and I quickly ran out into the road to grab her and when I did my son came after me and got hit by an approaching vehicle. The next scene I was devastated and trying to put my favorite shirt on him for his funeral and he was in his little casket, but rigamortis has started to set in and his arm was too stiff to put the shirt on. I suddenly woke up.... checked on my son, went to the bathroom and balled. At the time, my son was on a little bed beside mine and just laid him on a matress on the floor and laid with him with my hand on his chest so I could feel the rise and fall of his breathing. I am still brought to tears when I think of it. I always wondered what the heck could have spawned a horrible nightmare like that... whatever it was, I pray it doesn't come around again!
    Good luck with everything and Happy Holidays.

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  11. I struggle with how much time I spend online also. I can understand why your nightmare was so disturbing to you! My oldest just left for Air Force basic training. It truly does go by quickly.

    You won the Christmas novels giveaway at my blog! And now you will have something to do while you are not online, enjoy!

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  12. Thanks for stopping by my blog hop! I just signed up to follow you. Sometimes our dreams speak to us- and it looks like your dreams gave you some insights. I think it is wonderful that you are spending more time with your family! I am sure you are all happier. Dreams can be crazy and I always find it fascinating when a dream seems scary to me- even if it doesn't sound scary when I tell it out loud.

    Enjoy your time with your family- and here is to some happy dreams!

    ~Jess
    http://thesecretdmsfilesoffairdaymorrow.blogspot.com/

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  13. great post. I can sooooo relate.

    so what are you doing reading this? go bond with your kids!!!!

    best,
    MOV
    mothersofbrothersblog

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  14. I can relate to this. It's why I've always kept a strict working schedule when it comes to blogging. It was a hard idea at first but it's helped me stay focused. It's so easy to jump online and then have hours slip away without getting any real work done.

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Give me something to think about.