Thursday, August 4, 2011

Comcast- the cable mafia

I have wasted the last week of my life wrangling with Comcast cable company to get my cable television working properly and since I am still unsatisfied, I am going to rant.

Let's begin with the fact that if I want to watch television on my large flat screen, I have to shell out for cable TV.  Unlike other places where I have lived, I can not get reception with an antenna at this house.  Maybe with an outside antenna, but my landlord made me chop down my flowers (FLOWERS!!!), antennae are expressly forbidden here in Gulag 103.

Along the same line of insane reasoning, we can not have satellite dishes, either.  So, that leaves cable and because our government is super-fantastic-smarty, most people do not have a choice in cable service providers. You are stuck with whatever local mafioso happens to control your ability to watch 'Teen Wolf' and you can't do squat about it.

This is why I have wasted a week of my life with these bastards:

Once upon a time, a foolish woman wanted to enjoy Noah Wyle on her flat screen each Sunday night. 

 So, the village idiot came to install her new service before he went on vacation.  The village idiot, who did not set up most of the service at the house, leaving it to our foolish heroine to do, was so excited about his vacation that he did not go back to the office after 'installing' (loose use of term) the cable.  He failed to turn in the paperwork for the appointment and this dear reader is apparently catastrophic.

In fact, it appears that Comcast's entire business model and success rely on this paperwork and without it there is chaos and woe.  Much, much woe!

Because there isn't an effective alternative if your technician (village idiot) fails to turn in his little pink paper, a customer can not activate all of their service- including any additional TV's, premium movie channels or even basic On Demand service.

In the last week I have called 16 times!  Each time I was on the phone (or more accurately, on hold) for 25-40 minutes.  After the 11th unsuccessful phone call, I attempted to resolve my issue with their much touted 'live chat' option online.  There is a frigging hour I will never get back.  I also emailed the company and got a basic 'cut and pasted' stock response that did absolutely zilch to fix the problem.

Each time I call, I am stuck speaking to English-as-a-second- language foreigners with overly friendly voices, thick accents and absolutely no authority or knowledge to correct the issue.  I know it makes me sound like a jerk to admit it, but when I am trying to get customer service assistance, I would like to be able to understand more than every third word of the person assisting me and the way the say my name after EVERY sentence just weirds me out: 'I am happy to help, April.  Can I have your account number, April?  I can not help you, April.  Have a nice day, April.'  Grrrr....

And, considering their inability to fix anything, I don't know why they even bother to hire people to answer the phone.  Maybe this is some sort of cosmic lesson in patience, but I will be the first to admit that it failed.

Finally, yesterday, I received a call from a technician (Larry, Darryl or Darryl) saying he needed some numbers off of my modem and that is all that was necessary to 'close out' the paperwork for my appointment so that I could finally get my cable working properly.

2 hours later- no cussing TV whatsoever!!!  I had been able to enjoy basic cable, but now instead of the Disney Channel, the kids and I got an eyeful of big blank screen.  I think my rage made me have some sort of tongue chewing fit at this point...

So, I called again...went through everything on the phone again...then after 34 minutes I was disconnected mid -call.  I wept pitifully for several minutes before calling back and shared my misery with the poor foreign guy that answered.  

I insisted that someone come back here and go through the motions of 'installing' my service so they can turn in the paperwork and start this ridiculous process over.  The soonest they could show up is a week from tomorrow.

It is also worth mentioning that on the first 13 calls I was told that my service would be working 'within an hour' and that on  call 9, 10, 12, 13, 14, 15 and 16 I was told each time that I would be getting a call back within an hour or two from a supervisor to see if my service was working.  Never once did I receive a single call from them.

Why they don't just send people to your house to beat you with brass knuckles and take your money, I don't would be more honest.


As of yesterday, Comcast disconnected my phone and when I contacted a representative through their online chat the dillhole insisted that I never had phone service to begin with.

I calmly explained that not only did I have a  phone, internet and cable bundle package (with the receipt to prove it sitting in front of me)- I had phone service for the past week with Comcast.

Needless to say, after 2 hours of chat and no resolution what so ever- I gave the rep a virtual flipping of the bird (used all caps to tell him that I hated Comcast and was cancelling my service).

So, I called Windstream (my former internet and phone service provider) who I had always been very happy with.

They were so good that once when a snow storm knocked out my internet, they sent a guy right the fix it.  I didn't even want or expect someone to go out in the storm, but they did.  Also, when you call them, their call centers are in America and you can understand every single person!!  Bonus!!

So, I told the guy who answered, 'I have seen the error of my ways.  They enticed me with promises of glittery things- inexpensive bundles, but they lied.  Please, let me come home.  I will never stray again.'

Once the guy stopped laughing hysterically, he got me all set back up with Windstream.

Bite Me, Comcast!


  1. This post was made all the better with the picture of James van der Beek crying. Hahaha!

  2. PS It would seem that seriously shoddy service is universal

  3. This is sooo hilarious. I LOVE it and the pictures that go along with it. ;)

  4. Elisa's comment summed up my feelings exactly! I just found you through kt's comment in Melynda's post (the blog world knows everything) & read today's post. I immediately became a follower. I'm going back to read some of your older posts now.

  5. Welcome new readers and fishducky I would love to follow you back, but I can't find your blogger profile :(

  6. Hi APRIL! May I call you APRIL? No kidding, APRIL! I loved this post, APRIL & will have you know that unlike COMCAST, I hightailed my ass over here to read it, April, at the urging of, you are the first person whose blog I'm visiting after my lengthy absence, April! I hope you appreciate the quality of MY service :)

    Seriously, this had me chortling to the depths of my much so that I've urged my husband to read it too...and I never ask him to read posts I enjoy. HE'S READING IT AS I'M TYPING THIS!

    As Linda said, this is clearly a universal could have been writing about our interactions with any number of local service providers! BUT you get 10/10 for keeping us wonderfully entertained!!!

  7. Well Ms April seems a lot of my friends beat me here thanks to my surgery. Little trumpsters! haha
    I am glad KT sent me over. I have had this very same comcast problem. They truly are little bastards. Let me give you some little known advice though. If you get a foreigner on the phone with ANY company, the law states that if you request an AMERICAN to speak with they HAVE to get one on the phone. That is how you trump their nonsense. Thanks for your comment today it def made me smile. I can't wait to tell hubby I'm cuter than Jen ha

  8. Out Of My Mind linked me to this post today even though I am already a follower I might have missed it had she not pointed it out. Thank goodness she did. It is bloomin' hilarious. I see all my blog friends have commented before me and I can only agree with them - top notch post with fab photos. Love it. Now I have to wipe the tears from my eyes and go to bed but no doubt will spend the first few minutes snortuing with laughter as I recall this post. Cheers!
    Carol from

  9. OMG- I just went through the same thing with Verizon!

  10. The reason you can't find my blogger profile is that none exists. I am too old, fat & lazy to make the commitment to write a blob. I will just have to keep posting my smartass comments on other people's blogs--but only on those I really like!

  11. I meant write a BLOG, not BLOB. Stupid computer can't type.

  12. Hi, April....
    I wanted you to know that I mentioned this post on my 9/12 blog.....if you have time come take a peek.....kt


Give me something to think about.