Saturday, April 2, 2011

Having kids is often like having your own comedy club.  The funniest stuff usually comes when they are being their most serious and earnest.

Some tidbits heard around my house lately:

Son- Owwww
Me- What happened?
Son- I was pulling my pants up and punched myself in the face!
***
After being picked on relentlessly by her brother, my youngest yells at him- "I am going to rip your heart out and squeeze it!"

A good mom would have addressed the murderous plans immediately.  I, however, laughed until I was on my knees with tears running down my face, because, as I told my youngest, "You would have already ripped his heart out, so why do you need to squeeze it, too?"
***

When two very obese ladies appeared on TV dancing at a wedding-
Son- That IS NOT you, Mommy!
Me- Uh, thanks
(almost angry)Son- NO! Really!  You are skinny!
Me- I appreciate the kind-hearted gesture of trying to make me feel good about myself, but as I have told you all many times, fat does not make a person bad.  Just fat.
(shrieking)Son- YOU ARE NOT FAT!!
(hugging me, voice filled with pity)Youngest child- I still love you, Mommy.
***

Youngest- If you ever have a super loose tooth, don't have your mouth open when you put your shirt on- trust  me!
***

While watching a G-rated children's movie, two characters share a very sweet kiss.  My oldest throws down her bag of chips and says, "Ugh!  I was eating!"
***

And the funniest thing to happen in this house all week was when I was lying down reading one night and my youngest came in to cuddle.  We were talking a bit and after a minute she says, "Don't breathe on me, your breath is killing me!"

Not being the first time I have heard this from her, I chuckled and said, "What does it smell like?"

She leaves for several minutes.  I go back to reading my trashy romance- ooo, a pirate scene.  When she returns she has a notebook and a pencil.  She finishes sketching and then shows me a diagram.

I said, "So, tell me what I am looking at."

"Well, this is all the things your breath smells like," she states.

"First, this is a cigarette."

"But, I haven't smoked in ages," I protest.

"It still always stinks like it," she replies.

Good to know and it gets better...

"This is a dirty shoe and this is a foot with toenail, toenail, toenail..., " she points out helpfully.

My eloquent response- "Huh..."

Really warming up to her presentation, she continues, "This is a fish, and this is your lotion, and this is hair and water."

I am hysterical at this point because she has basically described the contents of a garbage can as the scent of my breath.

I make a big show of brushing my teeth and ask her if it has improved.  She shrugs.

Kids are so good for your self-esteem!





4 comments:

  1. These are priceless captures of fleeting moments in your day! I love the wonderful way in which you maintain a balanced approach, keep your sense of humour and encourage your children to express themselves freely and without reproach or reservation! Those are GREAT MOM attributes!

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  2. I'm back again. I've just been having a wonderful time reading through your archives, starting right at the beginning...now, my serious question is this...WHY DON'T YOU HAVE YOUR OWN TV SHOW!!! You are an absolute natural and I think you're an amazing Mom! You are unbelievably funny, and do it in such a self-deprecating, straight-faced way. I'm so glad to have 'met' you! I love your writing and the way your mind works :)

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  3. Don't you just love Desiree!

    She's right, you know. this one is PRICELESS. but, I've begun to expect this from you........kt

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  4. Ladies, my head is getting so big, I am going to need to grease it to get through a doorway! Thanks so much for stopping by, I love your blogs, too. It seems we have our own little mutual adoration society!

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Give me something to think about.