Some tidbits heard around my house lately:
Me- What happened?
Son- I was pulling my pants up and punched myself in the face!
After being picked on relentlessly by her brother, my youngest yells at him- "I am going to rip your heart out and squeeze it!"
A good mom would have addressed the murderous plans immediately. I, however, laughed until I was on my knees with tears running down my face, because, as I told my youngest, "You would have already ripped his heart out, so why do you need to squeeze it, too?"
When two very obese ladies appeared on TV dancing at a wedding-
Son- That IS NOT you, Mommy!
Me- Uh, thanks
(almost angry)Son- NO! Really! You are skinny!
Me- I appreciate the kind-hearted gesture of trying to make me feel good about myself, but as I have told you all many times, fat does not make a person bad. Just fat.
(shrieking)Son- YOU ARE NOT FAT!!
(hugging me, voice filled with pity)Youngest child- I still love you, Mommy.
Youngest- If you ever have a super loose tooth, don't have your mouth open when you put your shirt on- trust me!
While watching a G-rated children's movie, two characters share a very sweet kiss. My oldest throws down her bag of chips and says, "Ugh! I was eating!"
And the funniest thing to happen in this house all week was when I was lying down reading one night and my youngest came in to cuddle. We were talking a bit and after a minute she says, "Don't breathe on me, your breath is killing me!"
Not being the first time I have heard this from her, I chuckled and said, "What does it smell like?"
She leaves for several minutes. I go back to reading my trashy romance- ooo, a pirate scene. When she returns she has a notebook and a pencil. She finishes sketching and then shows me a diagram.
I said, "So, tell me what I am looking at."
"Well, this is all the things your breath smells like," she states.
"First, this is a cigarette."
"But, I haven't smoked in ages," I protest.
"It still always stinks like it," she replies.
Good to know and it gets better...
"This is a dirty shoe and this is a foot with toenail, toenail, toenail..., " she points out helpfully.
My eloquent response- "Huh..."
Really warming up to her presentation, she continues, "This is a fish, and this is your lotion, and this is hair and water."
I am hysterical at this point because she has basically described the contents of a garbage can as the scent of my breath.
I make a big show of brushing my teeth and ask her if it has improved. She shrugs.
Kids are so good for your self-esteem!