Saturday, February 5, 2011

Half my head is huge!

I went to the dentist a couple of days ago and had two teeth removed.  One was an impacted wisdom tooth.  Since it is the first time I had a wisdom tooth cut out, I will have to assume that the enormous swelling on the left side of my head is normal.  It isn't tender or red, so I don't think it is infected.  It just looks like I am a chipmunk with a cheek full of food.

 The procedure itself was all sweetness and light.  Well, it would have been, with the wacky gas, if the dentist hadn't insisted on doing his job.  For that arrogance on his part, I told him that "We can't be friends now" and called him "an assh*le for making me cry".  Luckily he is used to people saying crazy stuff while high, so he just laughed at me.  He is actually a very good dentist and I have seen him several times before, I am just really mean when hurt or scared.

I get incredibly nervous at the dentist.  If we have learned anything from sitcoms, it is that you are supposed to be terrified of going to the dentist.  I didn't always know this.

When I was a kid in Germany, I had a great dentist, Dr. Green.  He was so wonderful and never hurt me.  After that, I would go the dentist and be so relaxed that I would doze off during my visit- even when getting fillings.

That all changed about 7 years ago.  I had a tooth that started bothering me and I pulled out the yellow pages to find a dentist that accepted my insurance.  I found one in our town.  A woman who's name (and soul) I have cursed, repeatedly.  Since this is the internet and I don't want to get called out for defamation (because I am sure torturing people allows you to engage better lawyers than a single, stay-at-home mom), I will keep her name to myself.

Anyone that ever is thinking of getting dental care in Hardin County, KY, contact me first and I will steer you away from the Marquis de Sade's current incarnation.

Back to the saga- I made an appointment.  Arrived in the tiny office and did that thing where you try not to stare other people in the eye, even though you are face to face and only separated by 3 feet.  I flipped through some old copies of Ladies Home Journal, wondering (not for the first time) how many germs are on the magazine from 3 years worth of bored hands pawing them.

Once my x-rays are done, the dentist herself comes in.  She was beautiful, with a lilting soprano voice.  It was like Amy Adams in the movie Enchanted.

She told me that the tooth had to be removed and that she had time to do it that day.  So, I foolishly agree.  For everyone's future mental health- if someone that looks and sounds like a Disney princess is going to do something to your person, RUN!  Run as fast as you can, because it is one of those 'too good to be true' lessons.  It is a trick.

At this point in life, I had already had one tooth pulled.  I thought I knew what to expect.  Creak, pop, done!

I get numbed up and wait for Princess Dentist to come pull my tooth.  She comes in and her demeanor has changed from sweet girl hoping to lure birds for a musical number to serious and abrasive.  I don't care, yet.

She begins the extraction.  For the next several minutes (about 10 times longer than any other extraction I have ever had done) she yanked, twisted and tugged.  My head was pulled every which way and my neck was killing me.  She broke the tooth into bits while trying to pull it.  I know this, because she sneered something pissy about it to her assistant.  Like it was my fault that she crushed my tooth and couldn't pull it, because she had exactly the upper body strength of a chihuahua.

I have endured the popping, creaking, twisting and yanking for so long and I am so freaked out, that I am already weeping.   The graduate of Josef Mengele's School of Dentistry and Torture increases her efforts to traumatize me and puts her knee in my stomach (for leverage, I guess?).  I just want it all to end.

I suffered through 12 hours of childbirth, 2 1/2 hours of it pushing.  I clearly remember a point about an hour before my daughter was born, where I told my mother that I couldn't take anymore,  my mind was going to snap.  It was no where near as awful as what this lunatic was doing.

Finally, she manages one last yank and my tooth flies (and a good amount of blood) across the room and pings off the wall.

She doesn't say a word, just walks away.  Because of the damage she caused while tearing at my gums, I am bleeding heavily, crying and feel faint.  The assistant is trying to clean up all the blood and get me to bite on gauze.

After a couple minutes, the psycho with the chirping voice, comes in and says rudely, "Why are you still sitting there?"

I tell her I need a minute, that I feel weak and dizzy and she says, "Well, I have other patients, so you need to leave."

I don't even have it in me to give her the evil eye.  I have been brought down by a 5'3, 130 lb beautiful succubus.  I awkwardly stumble to the sink to spit out the massive amounts of blood, and to wash my face.  It is covered in blood, drool and tears.

When I bent over to splash my face, I got very light-headed and crumpled to the floor.  When the assistant came back, I was on my knees, crying and clutching the sink.  She ran to get the lunatic.  Loony comes in and voice dripping with disgust, "You are being ridiculous.  Get up and get out!"

I wanted to kill her, I did.  But, I was so stunned by how successfully she brought me to my knees.

I have had to fight off grown men- 6'3 and 240 lb men.  I have always held my own, if not gotten the upper hand.  It was such a blow to my psyche that this tiny, innocent looking sprite had reduced me to a blubbering puddle of fear.

When I finally managed to pull myself together enough to walk out into the waiting room, the look of horror and fear on the other patients faces was strangely gratifying.  I hoped they took a good look at what that nut had done to me.  I go to the counter to pay and ask about antibiotics and pain  meds.

The receptionist tells me that Princess Dentist did not leave any prescriptions.  I tell the lollipop head receptionist that my head and neck were already killing me and that I just knew I was going to be in pain.  I wanted something.

She must not have liked my tone (though, how can you have much of a tone when you are numb and mumbling through a mouth full of gauze), because she brought the evil dentist to the desk.  Evil dentist berated me for 'being a baby' and told me she 'never gave pain medicine' and then acted suspicious because I wanted it.  Like I was a junkie that had teeth pulled just to get a fix!!

I did manage to tell her she was a nut, but I was weak and mumbly, so I don't know if it had the venom I would have liked.  She huffed off, probably to stomp some bunnies and pollute a water source.

The receptionist tells me I owe $74.  I tell her I will never pay one cent.  That they  are all a-holes and to F off.  I slink to my car and bawl like a baby in the parking lot for several minutes.  I managed to drive the 2 minutes to get home and once inside, I took a fistful of ibuprofen and went to bed for the rest of the day.

The dental office called  for months for their money.  Each time I told them I was never going to pay.  The final time someone called, I said, "That bitch will never see one penny from me.  In fact, when I die, I want to be buried with exactly $74 and I want a picture of me clutching it in my cold, dead hands sent to your frigging boss!!"

It is now wonder that now I have to be gassed to within an inch of coma, just to get anything done at the dentist.


  1. Oh I hate going to the dentist but that is just inhumane!! How horrible. I can't even imagine.

  2. Perfect timing me reading this now....mere hours before I go to the dentist for a cavity...ACK!

    I hope you recover from your trip quickly. Wisdom tooth removal is no picnic. My daughter had 4 removed(1 was impacted too)in one fell swoop last Jan. Oh, she was NOT a happy camper....and neither was I.
    Be well!

  3. How horrible - that witch needs to face the firing squad - one bullet in the foot, one in the knee, one in the hand, one in the elobow, one skimming the side of her hair, one in her hip, and so up until she's begging for a final one!
    you were so correct in never paying. If we can't be empathic to others, who will ever help us. My this come back to haunt her.


Give me something to think about.