Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Exercise for the terminally lazy

I have a condition that I have lived with my entire life- laziness.  Unlike some people that protest their laziness as they deepen their butt-dent in the couch, I embrace mine.  I admit that if I didn't have kids and a house to take care of, I would spend most of my days deepening my dent on the couch.

Before having children, I would spend entire weekends in bed, with a book.  I would crawl out for the occasional bathroom trip or refrigerator recon mission, but I made sure to return to my cocoon of blankets and historical romance as soon as possible.  Often with a slice of cold pizza and  a diet Dr.  Pepper.

I could afford to spend most of my time barely moving and accomplishing little, because 5 days a week, 2 or 3 hours a day I would exercise- running, weight lifting and aerobics.  That sounds like a lot, until you balance it with sitting for 8 hours for work and then lazing around for 12 more at home and in bed.

Does anyone remember step-aerobics?  I used to hit a step-aerobics class every week day.   I was a sight to behold given my natural klutziness- flopping, flapping and sweating profusely.  I know this because gyms are considerate enough to place mirrors EVERYWHERE!

In 1997, I had a big, ol' life altering car accident.  I couldn't sit up straight, much less walk for a while.  It took months for me to recover enough to limp around on  my own.

During the time I was confined to bed, everyone that visited was so nice.  They brought me cookies and candy and I shoveled it in with my good hand (the left was smashed).  I got bigger and bigger lying in bed all day for months on end.

No sooner did I get up and start to lose a little of the 60 lbs I gained, when I got pregnant and gained 58 more.  The fat fairy wasn't finished with me yet.  I then developed hypothyroidism, but didn't realize it until I was near comatose, 2 years and 40 lbs. later.

By the time I had several miscarriages, 3 surgeries and 2 more babies over the next 6 years I was 130 lbs heavier than my starting weight.

Now, the sad part is that I do much more on a daily basis than I did 13 years ago.  I have to clean, feed and care for 3 kids, by myself.  It is a full-time job.  You add the fact that I homeschool and you can pretty much find me on my feet for 8 hours (or more) a day.  Sometimes I will realize that it is dinnertime and I haven't sat once since lunchtime.

Why have I bored you (and possibly made it hard for you to swallow your breakfast) with the saga of my ever increasing mass?  Because I have decided to try *GASP* exercising again.  Formal exercise, because apparently karmic justice does not consider a day spent on your feet cleaning, scrubbing, cooking, serving and playing with your kids enough activity to keep you from being big enough to have your own gravitational pull.

I never  minded  being big.  Luckily my ego isn't tied to my appearance.

 Let's be clear.  I would mind if Richard Simmons were screeching in my front yard while the cut off the side of the house to load me on a flat bed.  *Pffft*  I have some standards.

I finally managed to build up my strength in my legs enough last summer so that I could run short distances. I was very excited, because I used to walk/run about 5 miles several days a week.  It is a very cheap and effective form of therapy.  All of that pushing a freaking mower through the African savannah (my back yard) must have helped.

The problem is, everything else has gotten weaker.  I can barely sit up in bed (marshmallow abs) and I have flappy arms.  I don't have anyone else to do the heavy lifting, so I need to be able to do what needs done.

I can forsee a time in the next couple years when lifting a gallon of milk would be too much for me.  I can't let that happen.  Too many people I know have atrophied to the point where they can't lift more than 25lbs or walk up a flight of stairs without needing an oxygen mask.  

So, today I am going to start by tearing the shrink-wrap off of a workout DVD I won at Christmas time.  That can be my warm-up.

Here's hoping that after going 13 years with out participating in an exercise regimen that I live through the 30 minute workout.

If I do live and continue working out each day, I promise that I won't become one of those annoying women that only talks about her weight, exercise and diet.  Even when I was young and fit, those broads made me want to shake them like rag dolls.

If I don't live, well, now you will know why the blog posts came to an abrupt end.


  1. The thing is April, you have to start out slow. Have weekly goals that are easy to reach. If you go whole hog (sorry, I'll start over) if you start out too hard and fast you will just get discouraged.

    Tell you what! I'll start with you. Each morning, for one week (7 days) I will do:
    1. leg lifts (while lying in bed) each leg
    5 up in front
    5 to the side
    5 to the back (while on my stomach)
    2. 10 side bends (5 to each side)
    3. 10 torso twists (five to each side)
    4. 10 wall pushouts
    5. 10 (try to) touch toe touches
    I will do all of this before I leave my bedroom each day for 7 days. If I complete this then I will add more reps or exercises. kt

  2. You know we could all start our own cyber exercise class and check in on each other?? Whadda you think?
    I need to lose too. My doctor said I should start off by doing 5 minutes in the morning and 5 in the afternoon/evening. She said even if it's sitting on the couch and making my arms/ or legs go in circles. She said anything to start is a start.


Give me something to think about.